Picture this: you love sport. Your mates love sport. You love a certain racing driver, who’s competing in a certain Grand Prix in a certain South East Asian country. You round up your sport-loving mates, pool your funds and book flights to see him race in the flesh.
He wins! How good’s that??! Rather than hooting, hollering and high-fiving, you and your mates see fit to strip down to your undies – which just happen to be adorned in the flag of the certain South East Asian country you’re in – and proceed to drink beer from your shoes.
What a great day at the races, and what a great way to celebrate! Except that you and your mates are promptly arrested by the police and thrown into prison for indecent behaviour in a public place.
TWIST! This actually happened. In 2016, nine men from Australia – all aged in their 20s – were celebrating Daniel Ricciardo’s win at the Malaysian Grand Prix and did just this. Anyone who’s been to Malaysia, nay, just about anywhere in the world, knows that there are a few no-nos and cultural sensitivities that need to be stuck to LIKE GLUE.
In order to not offend the locals or, y’know, get locked up in the slammer, follow this handy guide on how not to travel:
1. Research where you’re going
Thailand isn’t all buckets and beaches, and there’s more to Japan than weird vending machines and karaoke. Read up on where you want to go before you book your trip – if you only love eating beef tacos, maybe India isn’t the place for you. If you’re covered in tatts, perhaps don’t plan a visit to an onsen in Japan (tattoos are often associated with illegal organisations and activities).
2. Don’t be disrespectful
Sing it with me. Wherever you are in the world, show some R.E.S.P.E.C.T. towards customs, traditions and people. Don’t understand something? Don’t diss it. If you’re travelling on a tour, ask your leader why the locals say this, do that, have these particular beliefs or wear those things. Travelling solo? Google it.
3. Don’t mouth off about the powers that be
Many countries are SUPER into their royal family, government, religious beliefs and flag, so don’t go around espousing your views on corruption or God/Buddha/Allah or the king and queen (in Thailand, it’s illegal to insult the king or queen – doing so can get you imprisoned for 15 years).
And don’t parade around in your flag-printed underpants (don’t parade around in your underpants AT ALL, unless it’s in the privacy of your own room).
4. Pack more than just swim wear
Just because you’re headed to a hot, beach destination doesn’t mean you can get around in board shorts or a bikini all week, particularly if you’re not actually on the beach. Going to a bar/restaurant/market? Wear clothes. Going to a temple? Cover yourself from neck to knees. Climbing to the top of a mountain? Don’t get nude and take selfies.
5. Don’t expect everyone you meet to speak English
You don’t have to be a pro in French or know how to sing Hotline Bling in Mandarin, but getting a few basics under your belt (“hello”, “thank you”, “I’m allergic to peanuts”) will go a long way.
If you’re struggling to understand someone, don’t raise your voice, don’t roll your eyes, and don’t be a patronising git by slowly enunciating “WHAT. ARE. YOU. SAYING?????”. I’ve seen people do this and it’s not cool.
You might want to consider booking language classes abroad.
6. Don’t just eat boiled rice and bread
On a recent trip to Asia, the diet of one of my travelling companions consisted solely of McDonalds and tubes of Pringles. Please, when you step off the plane in Bangkok/Rio/Tokyo/anywhere, TRY THE FOOD!
Hit up the night market, eat things you’ve never heard of, add more chilli, step out of your comfort zone. For the love of travel, please don’t refuse to try something just because it’s ‘too spicy’ or ‘too weird’.
7. Don’t haggle like it’s an Olympic sport
When you go to markets – particularly in South East Asia and South America – it’s kind of expected that you’ll try to get a cheaper price on that dress, pair of fisherman pants, or weird sculpture made of bottle-tops and scraps of wool.
But if you stamp your feet and refuse to pay more than a dollar for a silver bracelet, silk scarf or hand-knitted poncho, you’ll only offend (and probs end up looking like an idiot). Moral of the story? Have some fun with it, but don’t be a cheapskate.
8. Don’t forget to have a good time
You’re experiencing something very few peeps get to do; almost half of the world’s population survive on less than three dollars a day, so the percentage of people who actually get to travel is pretty tiny.
Yes, travel and taking a gap year can be confronting and uncomfortable; you can get sick, lose your mates, your phone, or your lunch; your beliefs can be challenged and your opinions argued. But it’s also one of the most rewarding, enriching and incredible things you can do like volunteering programs.
So make the most of it – get out there and enjoy yourself. Throw yourself into everything that comes your way: eat the food, try the local brew, struggle through language barriers with OTT hand gestures and a huge smile on your dial, sleep on an overnight train, embrace cold showers and HAVE FUN.
But please, keep your underpants under your pants.