How do you keep a guy (or girl) across 10 time zones? We recently published an article about how to keep a healthy relationship when travelling together which proved to be popular, and below you van view an experience from on of our bloggers about how she managed to keep her long distance relationship on the right tracks.
This experience will likely be useful if you are thinking about going backpacking, taking a gap year, or planning to study, work or volunteer abroad and you are either leaving your partner behind or going in different directions.
I don’t really like to post about my personal life on blogs, unless it’s somehow related to the story I’m sharing or the thoughts I’m having.
But a long distance relationship across a bunch of times zones is not easy. And I realized that I’m probably not the only one in this position. And I’m definitely not the only one on SGG in this position. So I thought I would share my advice on the subject, and open the floor to anyone else who wants to offer some tips!
Just to give you some context, my boyfriend left for Europe on May 16. For the first two weeks that he was there, I was in Florida, so he was 6 hours ahead of me. Then, on June 1, I left for South Korea, and for the past two weeks, I have been 7 hours ahead of him. But on Saturday, he returned to the US for the summer, so now I am 13 hours ahead. Believe it or not, it’s easier to find time to talk with a 13 hour time difference than a 7, because you have mornings and evenings to work with—versus the middle of the day, when you’re at work, or the middle of the night, when you’re [supposed to be] sleeping.
It’s only been a month, and we will be back in the same city in two months, and I know that some couples do this for years. Some even do it for most of their lives together (thinking a lot right now of my dear friend Kristin who is in the navy and married to a man in the navy… but they have opposite deployment schedules, and won’t see each other for 15+ months). But I have still been able to learn so much over the past few weeks, and I think this is a topic that a lot of different people can relate to—and talk about!
Here’s my advice.
*disclaimer: I’ll probably use “him” most of the time when referring to the significant other, but please replace with what is applicable to you!
10 Ways to Make Your Relationship Work Across Continents
1. Be Supportive
This has to start before either of you ever leaves the country. If you aren’t supportive of each other’s adventures, then there will just be confusion and resentment. But you also can’t just silently support your partner. Be vocal about it, and remind each other often that you are proud of and excited for what the other is doing.
If you are leaving the country but they are staying behind at home, then try to be conscious of the fact that your life is probably going to be a bit more new and interesting—but that doesn’t make their stories or days at work any less important. Be supportive of each other from every angle, and make sure you are both aware of this support.
2. Be Spontaneous
My friend Kristin, who I mentioned earlier, flew literally around the world to spend three days with her husband because she knew it was the only time within a year and half that she would be able to see him. She said the travel was exhausting and the ticket was expensive, but it was worth every yawn and every cent to have those few precious days with Caleb.
I realize that this is a bit extreme, and not all of us are in the position to be this spontaneous, but the sentiment is important. Randomly send something to your partner back home—and try to resist telling them about it before it arrives. Send songs that make you think of each other, send emails or texts (thank you whatsapp) at random hours, or do something crazy and live to tell him about it. Along with being spontaneous, you also have to support your partner in spontaneity.
My boyfriend is always encouraging me to go out and do things, have a good time, meet people, make friends—and I do the same for him. You can’t suffocate each other by being needy or paranoid. Give each other enough space to actually experience the culture of wherever you are, and to just be there. If everyone who traveled just sat on Whatsapp in their hotel room, traveling wouldn’t be very exciting.
3. Don’t Make Dates
This is a good segue from the spontaneity piece, because if you’re being spontaneous—both in your relationship and in your life in a new country—then this step will come easily for you. One of the worst things you can do for your long-distance-across-time-zones relationship is to make video dates. This will only lead to frustration and disappointment.
Sure, maybe sometimes everyone will get home at the right time, the internet will work perfectly, and no one will be asking you to hang out. But more than likely, the minute you set a Skype date, you’ll find yourself having to say no to other opportunities because you “have to go home and WhatsApp or Skype with Bob,” which you probably do every night at 7:00 anyway. You can go on dates when you’re in the same place again.
For now, go on dates with yourself, with your new friends, with your host country. Get to know something or someone new. Your boyfriend (or girlfriend) can wait. And, you’ll probably get into somewhat of a natural rhythm where you’ll figure out the best times for the two of you to talk—but it shouldn’t be obligatory.
When Tim was finishing up his time in Belgium and flying home, we didn’t have an actual conversation for nearly a week. Guess what? We survived. If anything, it made finally talking that much better. If we talked every day, I would probably miss him too much and be sick of him at the same time. Just do yourself a favor and don’t make Skype plans with your significant other. Talk when you can, and don’t be mad when you can’t. GO EXPLORE!
4. Use Your Words
When words are all you have, you better use them wisely. Say nice things to each other often enough that you’re not left wondering how you feel about each other. You don’t have those little moments of hand holding and forehead kisses to be reminded of your feelings, so replace them with sweet words and meaningful conversation.
When you’re thinking about him, let him know! I promise he will appreciate it (unless he doesn’t’ appreciate you, and then you have bigger problems than distance). And write to each other. There aren’t many times in your relationship when you’ll be motivated to write actual letters, so take advantage of the opportunity and write. Don’t say you’re a bad writer—just write.
Writing letters is especially good for those times when you’re both so busy that you haven’t talked in a week. Then you’ll have lots to say!
5. Don’t Always Talk About You
I mentioned earlier that if you’re in a new country and he (or she) is back home, you have to be conscious of the mundane versus the new. Definitely share your experiences and your stories, but don’t get so carried away that you lessen the significance of your partner’s life at home.
Don’t act bored when they’re telling you (again) about how awful their boss is, or how obnoxious their little brother is. Be engaged, be interested, be genuine. And don’t spend 30 minutes telling a story that he can’t relate to at all.
Pick out pieces that you know will be interesting to him, or that he will actually laugh about. You don’t have to give every single detail.
6. Find Commonalities
If you’re dating, hopefully you already have things in common, and it’s not like pulling teeth to get you and your significant other to find things to talk about. But, sometimes it can get difficult when your lives are so different, and you’re finding that your significant other can’t relate to anything you’re saying, because he doesn’t even know what it looks like when you “walk down the street.”
So take pictures. Talk about your photos while you’re Skyping, so that he can start to create a context for your life in another country. Read the same book. Watch the same movie. Listen to the same new song. Facebook stalk the same people. Introduce him to your friends, so he knows who you’re talking about when you say “Billy, Sarah, and I went to the bar last night…” Make each other a part of each other’s lives.
7. Talk About Him
Tell your friends about him. Talk about him, but not so much that everyone wants you to stop talking about your boyfriend. Don’t let that be the first thing people know about you; let it come up naturally. Unless it’s a creepy guy, and then you tell him FIRST. Don’t make him your identity, but do remember that he is a part of your life—even if it doesn’t always feel like it when you’re on separate continents.
8. Work Hard
Relationships are hard work. Long distance relationships are even harder work. But as long as you know that, are prepared for it, and are willing to put in the time, then you should be fine. Just don’t expect it to be easy. No one dates someone in different time zones because it’s fun. You do it because it’s fun when you’re together (and probably some other reasons too). And you wait patiently for that time to come again.
9. Don’t Avoid Confrontation
It’s really easy, when you’re apart, to not want to talk about the hard stuff, because you’re not physically there to soften the blow or temper the frustration. But if there is something that needs to be discussed, just talk about it. Don’t use the “but we hardly ever talk and I don’t want to ruin this moment” excuse. If it’s an issue that’s eating away at you, and especially if it’s effecting your time abroad, then you have to talk about it. Chances are, you’ve had a difficult conversation with him before, and things are better because of it. And if the conversation leads to you being newly single, see it as a chance to really get to know your country. You probably weren’t before, and now you have the freedom to.
10. Don’t Do it
Be selfish. I asked my friend and fellow intern Jamie what advice she has for this topic, because she and her boyfriend were in different time zones for nearly eight months. Her first reaction was “don’t do it!” but she obviously thinks it’s worth it, since she is still with the same guy! Her serious piece of advice was to be selfish, which I think encompasses almost all of the tips so far.
Here’s what Jamie had to say: “This sounds really bad, but I think the most important thing is to be selfish. To concentrate on yourself and being happy first. If you’re unhappy all the time, it creates more distance between you and your significant other. And if you’re always thinking about them, you will go crazy! You can’t always wait for them to make you feel better; you’ll just be disappointed, because that’s impossible. So just be nice to yourself.”
Chances are, you went to another country for you, not for someone else. Don’t forget that. (Of course, military/jobs is an exception to this, but this post is geared mostly toward student travelers, so bear with me.) Don’t forget why you’re there. Don’t forget about each other, but have enough confidence in your relationship to know that doing what you need to do isn’t going to ruin what you have with someone.
Trust each other enough to be able to give each other freedom to be selfish, to be individual, and to learn about yourself. The more you learn about who you are, the better you can be in a relationship. So close the computer, put on your shoes, and go for a walk. You might discover something new. And your boyfriend will want to hear all about it.
View more advice and articles on our gap year blog.